!Hey everyone!

     I got a 3.84 GPA on my 1st semester grades!!! I am excited about that! I also found this great place to buy everything organic and green! I like the idea of doing my part!!  I can get everything I need like soaps for every body part and every piece of furniture, clothing, and kitchen and bathroom! I can buy organic skin care, makeup, shampoos! So much more too. It's all GREEN! I Love that!! It gets delivered right to my door. I don't have to buy it at the grocery store anymore and worry about the chemicals in what I use. I have pets and grandbabies! I don't like the idea of using chemicals to clean. Did you know there is formaldihyde in baby shampoo? I was shocked. They have cold medicines and everything that I use all the time!
     In school I have started my new semester. I hope I can do as good as this first one. This darn laptop is giving me fits. I hope I get a scholarship so I can buy my own and not keep renting  one.
     I found a legit work at home opportunity! It is being an agent doing data processing or customer service calls, and some other stuff too. I turned in my Resume and took the online tests and a phone test. It was pretty wierd taking a phone test! Wish me luck!! I need the money! Everyother one I have tried has been a scam, I got this site from the news. It was checked out so I know it isn't that.
     I have been looking for scholarships, but haven't recived any that I have applied for. I check the federal government site, but they all seem to be grants for states or institutions not for people. I am not going to pay for one of those sites that tell you that they can get you government grant money for any purpose. I don't have the money for one. The other is I don't think you shoild have to pay for that information. Ii am either too old, not the right race, not the right type of major, wrong state, wrong school. Geesh talk about having to live up to something impossible. 
     All in all I am so much happier since I decided to just let go of worrying so much and just leaving it all in GOD's hands. I can only do what I can do. I will get through what ever comes at me. I know this for sure. I still worry, don't get me wrong, just not so much. I am bipolar and have major depression, so for me to be able to feel this way is a miracle to me. I have struggled with this for so many years now. I know I will still have my bad days as I call them. They are not as often now. When I am like that all I want to do is sleep. If I am manic I get up to no good. I am agoraphobic so I don't leave the house much so the no good is always here at home. I have a very understanding husband.
     Oh it is late, I best get to bed! Everyone God Bless You! Happiness to all!!!

I am so happy that a new year is upon us. I have been so happy since it started. I have been filling my spirituality void. I have a hunger for knowledge about almost anything. I have faith that I will get through what I consider to be the hard times. I know I can achieve my goals. I have confidence in myself for a change. I am doing my final projects for school, and I am not worried about the deadlines or what my grades will be. I am putting my best into it. If I do my best that is all I can do. I will be happy with my grades. I will continue to study hard and work towards my degree. I will overcome any obstacles and achieve my goals. I believe in me. The finances will come. I may not know from where yet, but I am not going to worry about it. I will pray and leave it in GOD'S hands. I am so content right now. I want to help everyone. I want everyone to feel happy. I know I may have a down day again, but I will know that it will go away. Happiness is there for me if I look for it. I will always find it.

Integrity is being honest, trustworthy, responsible, loyal, reliable and being the best person that you can be. It is striving to do the best that you can do at any task that you take on. It is the ability to accept change gracefully. It means being a good friend. Treating others as you would want to be treated. Being confident in your abilities,  celebrating your achievements, while being careful not to gloat to others that have not been able to achieve thier goals yet.

 I use to be a nurse since 1986, after about 13 years I became ill and could no longer do that. Actually I haven't been able to work since. I am now trying to get a new degree and start a new carreer.
I have found that you can do things for people and it cost you nothing. I donate things often. Or just give things to someone I know that needs it. When I was a nurse I gave often to charities and taught my kids to do this. Every Christmas we would pick 2 children to buy Christmas for. It felt good.
Now I am the one that cannot buy Christmas, I am having trouble finding grants and scholarships for school. I took out student loans that cover the tuition but that is all. I guess I say this because I have always been a giving person, and I still am. I just find that when I am the person in need I can't get help. I even wrote to our Govenor here in Indiana about my not being able to find a grant or scholarship, I got 2 e-mails back which I saved, saying they can't help and they are sorry for my situation.
My husband works very hard. He works 6 days a week 10 hours a day. He made a whole 26,000 last year.  That may seem like alot to some, but not with my medical bills and meds.I get disability, but I also have expensive medications and alot of doctor appointments with a few different kinds of doctors. I just don't get it sometimes.
We are behind on everything, haven't paid rent this month yet, my daughter turns 23 this week, and then there is Christmas. We have no money. My husband borrowed money to by my 239.00 med and my 106.00 med.  My other meds are 30.00 or under. You see I am in the 'doughnut hole' in my medicare presription plan that I pay $87 a month for. So until sometime in January I pay full price for all 11 meds I am on.
My kids know the true meaning of Christmas. That is what is important to me. They want to buy us gifts, We don't want them to. I feel guilty, I have nothing for them or my grandbabies. I can make things for our parents maybe a bird house or something if I have enogh craft supplies. What do you tell little kids? Gramma and Papa can't give you anything. I know the other grandparents will, but that just makes me feel bad because I can't give too.
Then I need supplies for my college courses. How do I get that? How do you pay for those things when you have no money? I didn't get grants they told me I would get. I filed to late for the FAFSA, but they said we make too much money anyways. When I wrote the Govenor I told him they need to take real life situations into consideration when making the rules for these government funded grants. In real life we all don't make the same or have the same bills to pay. They don't even considar the things you have to by law pay, car insurance, taxes. What about the things for daily life? Utilities, rent, car payments, food, cleaning supplies, let alone medical bills.
 I am sorry I don't mean to sound so ......upset. I am just at a breaking point. I pray everynight and I place my troubles in GOD'S hands. I know how many people are so much more worse off then us. It just hurts when you have lost all that you worked for and wonder what your future will be. I know with school our future will be better when I cann work and contribute more. He cannot bear this alone.
I have worked since I was 14. Been on my own since 15. I know I can do this. I was a single mom with a 6 month old and a 3 year old when I went through nursing school. I want to get to the point that we don't have to worry about our utilities getting shut off, or if we have enough for my meds, or if the insurance payment is going to bounce when it hits the bank and cause a domino effect where we pay almost his whole check in fees which has been happening alot lately. Sometimes you just ask yourself, what did we do to deserve this? We live week to week. We buy the cheapest food and skip meals. We go without.
 I have looked for work online. Most of it is scams, they want money from me. Then you have to sell to friends and family who aren't interested.
I have to make time for college that is my priority goal. I need to help pay for our future. We have no 401K. No savings, no pension plans.
I am just saying I am willing to help anyone I can. I may not be able to do it with money, but I am sure I can get things that people may need, like baby or kids clothes, books, a hug, a friend, I can do that. If you know of a way I can be of help to anyone please let me know. It helps me when I can help someone else.
Sorry for dumping on you whoever might read this.  I am just looking at 2 days til my daughter turns 23 and no gift do I have for her. Christmas is 7 days away, and not one gift can I buy.
I actually feel a bit better. I actually feel like I need a good cry and a talk with GOD.

GOD Bless You all,
Lisa

   Here it is the 8th of December. My daughter's birthday is the 20th, Christmas is 5 days later. I still have no money to shop.  I haven't even been able to pay rent this month yet. I am so frustrated. I am depressed. I don't know what to do. I can't not give presents. I am praying for something to happen. I just get more nervous the closer it gets to Christmas.
   I am filling out for all of the grants and scholarships I can. I am going to need some new pc programs for school. I can't afford them. I am hoping that one of the grants comes through. I really need it.
   My sister in FL is in the hospital because they think she tried to commit suicide. I have been dealing with that long distance since Wed. I love her and I hope she gets the help she needs. The problem is she never follows the doctors orders. She doesn't want to help herself. That is the sad thing.
   I am having a hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year.I haven't started bringing out my decorations. I don't know if I will. If you can't tell I deal with depression. It is a daily thing with me. It has been for about 12 years or so. It tends to get worse around the holidays. I am very thankful that I am alive, and I have my family. I am thankful for alot. of things that God has done for me. I am thankful I am in school.
   I wish I didn't worry so much, I just can't seem to help it. I feel helpless or is it hopeless? I don't know. I know there are so many so much worse off then me. Compared to them I am fortunate and I know that. I just can't help feeling so down. I guess thats it.

I am tired! I have been on the pc since early this morning between school, and looking for scholarships and grants. I am not having alot of luck. I am either to old, not a high-school senior, don't belong to any clubs, the wrong field of study, and on and on it goes. Can anything ever just be easy? I just want to pay for the software I need for my computer courses. The loan went straight to the school. It is all used up by tuition. It is actually harder then school to look for grants.
I am doing ok in school at-least. I was worried I would not be so good at remembering things anymore. My memory isn't as good as it once was, but it still can get the job done. My eyes hurt and I get head aches though. I know I need glasses. I can't afford them right now. I try to manage my time so I can get all my stuff done. I do notice it takes me longer to do assignments then it used too.
I am enjoying it though. I love to learn. I always have as long as it was interesting. The older I get the more interesting I find things.
How does everyone feel about this time of year? The last 2 for me plus this year have been kind of rough. I used to love Christmas.
I have been reading books about JESUS and his life. Also about Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene. Very interesting stuff. I hunger for knowledge.
I am tired......Guess I should say my prayers and hit the bed.
I research alot of things. I found out that the early church left books out of the Bible. They kind of pieced it together to suit their needs. Some things were changed.. Some things added. How are we ever suppose to know what GOD wanted us to know? The early church had to much power. They were looking out for them selves and not following what GOD wanted.

Love is what makes life worth living, and makes your heart feel like giving
Love is all encompassing, It is a warm embrace and brings a smile to your face
Love can take away your fears and wipe away your  weary tears
Love is all knowing and keeps your heart glowing
Love makes you happy when things are bad and soothes your anger when you are mad
Love can do  most all things Just look how it came to you as if  flying on wings


I am in a melancholoy mood. I don't know exzactly why. I have been in a funk for about a week. It seems to get worse as each day goes on. I am just not worth being around right now. I don't even feel much like blogging right now...........

This has been a day! I cancelled going to a Christmas party because we have no money to go. It is being held at a nice place. My best friend invited us. It is her birthday. The stress is getting to be too much. I keep my faith, but at times it is hard to keep up my spirits. I am bipolar manic depressive which makes everything worse. I hate it! We just had to pay 237.34 for 1 of my meds. Put 530.00 in the bank which was my husbands paycheck plus money he borrowed to pay the rent. Only 127.00 was left after the bank took out what they were owed. we owe 1200 as of the 1st to the landlord. What did I do wrong????

Don't do the trial offers if any of you fill out surveys to get paid. They took the money out early and the bank has been bouncing ever since. I called and complained they put their money back in but tough luck for the bounce fees to the bank. I quit doin the surveys, I had all the letters for the places I signed up to and offers I did. I still got denied pay from Tik Tik Cash.com. I wrote and complained and they said the places denied me. I told him I had saved all of the e-mail verifications and they said too bad. Well that was enough for me. I was doing the stupid surveys for hours and hours everyday. I made 12.65 ffrom cash crate. Not worth my time. Plus I am in school now so, I really don't have time.

I have looked and looked for a legit online job. They want money from you or for you to sell something to your friends or family. I just want to do something and get paid for doing it. I don't know, doing rebates or filling out forms. I don't want to get rich, I just want to buy Christmas for my kids and grandkids. I want to help get the  bills caught up.

We haven't paid Novembers rent and now we owe December. I feel like I am falling down a hole and I can't get out. We don't go out and blow money. We really don't go anywhere ever. We don't have fancy things. My husband works hard. I am trying to get off of disability. Thats why I am going to school, to retrain in something I am able to do.

It seems like no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, things just never go right for us. There is no where to turn. I always turn to God. I know he is watching over us. I need help. I just need a little help. I have sold some of my jewlery for gold value a few months ago to help out. You never get what its worth, just what the gold price was for the day.

I guess it helps me to type my feelings out even though I am the only one that sees it. My thrapist told me I should keep a journal. I tried a few times but gave up.

How do you tell little ones why you couldn't buy them presents? The other grandparents will. The other grandparents are much more fortunate, they own lucrative buisness. They drive hummers and nice cars. That doesn't bother me. I just hate that I can't give to my kids and grandkids. I couldn't have a Thanksgiving and now I won't be having a Christmas. My daughter and the grandkids go to her husbands relatives so it will be ok if I don't cook here as long as I tell them ahead of time. My son is single and has no where else to go.

I know that Christmas is a celebration of Christ. We celebrate that. My kids have always known the meaning of Christmas. My daughter is trying to make sure the girls understand that too. They are still young though. I don't care about receiving. I care about the giving. That is what makes me happy. To be together and watch their faces as they open their gifts. To laugh and eat and tell stories and play with the girls. Thats the best time for me. When we get a gift it is a check to us from his dad and we use it for bills every year anyway.

I remember when my kids were young, I would take them to the angel tree and make them each pick a child to buy a gift for. Then we would go and shop for the gifts. I wanted them to see that you have to give to others and how good it makes you feel. It was like a tradition. They always loved to pick out a neat toy for the kids. If it had gloves or something listed, we would get that and a toy. What is Christmas to kids without toys? They can have that and still know the meaning of Christmas.

I won't give up hope til I don't know. 24 more days left. A miracle can happen in 20 days. I am going to make something for the adults. If I can find enough stuff in my craft supplies. The women are pretty easy, men are harder to make things for. I made a Shadow box for my dad before he died. He loved wolves and Indians. I went and bought a shadow box and some feathers and small dream catchers and little cow boy boots and a hat and a miniature canoe. I put it all together after I drew and painted a scene on the back. I put a wolf in it and fake grass. I worked on it for 2 days. I was like a kid I was so proud of it. I gave it to him for Christmas and he loved it. My dad was a very special person.

My husband and I have been together almost 7 years and married 6 next August. We haven't bought each other anything for 2 years anyways. The last year we didn't even get each other anneversary or birthday gifts. It doesn't bother me that I didn't get anything, but he works hard and he deserves something. He is like me it is more about the giving.

He keeps apologizing to me about the financial situation we are in. I told him its not his fault,it just happens to people sometimes. We just have been like this a lot for the last 2 years. Things just seem to keep happening to us. It seems that way, maybe it isn't. I know how it is now, and I remember last year. We just can't seem to get ahead. I hope when I can start working that we can get ahead.

We talked alot about what ifs...like what if we hit the lottery! What if we won 50 million. We figured we would set up trustfunds for the girls. We would give each of the kids 1 million. Pay off his best friend and my best friends houses off for them. set aside a retirement fund for us. Pay off all our bills. Keep 5 million for us to live on and give the rest away. Who needs all that money? I don't think we need 5 million, but if its in the bank and someone needs help we would have it. We would buy a house, but not a big fancy one. We don't need that. We just want one big enough that we can take our things out of boxes. Thats where alot of our stuff is here.  We would get a truck for him and an SUV for me. We would find people who were about to lose their homes to foreclosure and give them the money to stop it and help them to refinance. We would give to all the charities we could. We would buy homes for homeless people. I told him I would like to have a warehouse with things like new dishes and pots and pans and nice furniture so that if people had disasters like house fires or something, that we could give them the things they need to get a home started again. I have alot of big ideas. Buy homes for cash and let people pay for them interest free so they can be affordable for them to own.

We had a house. When I was 1st with Bob his house was so tiny it had 1 closet and it was a coat closet. There was no room at all. We decided to add on. We got a contractor and took out a loan on the house which was paid for. They started it and did it wrong. They quit the job because their partnership broke up. We were left with not even half of it done. The man that did most of the work for them offered to finish it up for the rest of the money that was owed. We didn't have alot of choice. He had no money for the supplies so we had to take out a 2nd loan. He was kicked off the job by the building inspector for shoddy work and it wasn't up to code. We couldn't insure our house now because of that. We had to hire someone else who had to tear the whole 2 stories down. We had to take out a 3rd loan to pay to have this done. The guy who started the job filed bankruptcy. we couldn't go after him. It was rebuilt from the ground up. He messed things up too. After the major stuff was finished he had all his money and left. He was suppose to come back but never did. we did all the painting and staining. We had to pay someone to come in and lay the bathroom floor.
It was finally done. The walls were not smooth and you could see gaps here and there. Atleast it was done and we could use it and fix that stuff as we lived there. The peoblem was our payments were way over what we could afford by now after 3 loans. The taxes went up on the house and so did the insurance. We lost our house within a year of it being finished. We have been in 2 different rentals since then.

Our credit is ruined. Our home that we put so much of ourselves into is lost. all of our things are in boxes stored here and there. Some day we will have a home again....I hope. Life has been falling apart for us pretty much since then. My husband and a friend of his had a buisness selling car parts. The partner wanted out, the buisness was sold and we got 5,000 for his share of it. He still works for the man who bought it. His so called friend ripped him off. Sometimes you wonder if you have some big letters written accross your forehead that say I'm a sucker.

I am waiting for life to get good again. I feel bad for Bob the most because he blames himself. He is a good man and a hard worker. He doesn't go after people that cheat him out of things though. He doesn't like to start trouble or hurt anyones feelings. i admit it makes me upset sometimes. He is just a nonconfrontational person. he gets mad but he really doesn't do much about it. 5, 000. out of a 6 year old business. They didn't own the buiding but the stock and equipment etc... Good Old partner got 25,000.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

  Well I just finished my assignments for 2 of my classes. Tech problems 1st thing this morning with a research site. Then my day goes on. I talked to my academic couselor and told him everything was great. i got to watch the Inaugural Address of President John F Kennedy. It was amazing. He had a lot of charisma. It was for one of my assignments. I never saw him give a speech, I thought he was a great communicator.

Christmas is coming and all through my house not a bill is paid not even the house. I wonder where the money to buy christmas cheer is going to come from this moneyless year. How do you tell your kids that your broke and Christmas this year will be a bad joke.

I just felt like writing that. I am kind of down. I get this way the last few years because money is so not there. I have 2 kids and 2 grandaughters, a mom, and inlaws that we buy for. This year I think I will just have to make them something. The kids are the hardest to try to explain to why I have no money to buy presents.

I am struggling to make it through school with just a loan that covers the tuition and not even all of that. I have looked til my fingers hurt for a grant or a scholarship. It is either the wrong time to apply or I don't meet their requirements.

Sometimes I feel like I want to give up. I know that is wrong so I just keep going on. I hope that my life gets better pretty soon. I am afraid we might lose everything that we own. We are renting a house that we haven't paid rent on this month.  Rent is due again the 3rd of next month. I have to keep the phone on, without it I can't go to school online. I think I caught up the electric bill, the gas I'm not sure of I hope it is up to date.

We bought one med of the 7 I take it cost 237.00. So much for the rent getting paid. The bank we owe 256 or more they paid a bill and charged us a 30.00 fee. I truely don't know how we will get out of this mess. I guess we can only hope for the best.

I have faith and I pray everynight before bed. I just hope that God's will is the same as whats in my head. I know HE has a purpose for all that HE does, I only hope HE shows me what HE wants me to do. I will follow HIM everywhere and see it through. I love the LORD with all of my heart. I know that HE will help me if I do my own part.

This is my first Blog, thus my first post. This was my Best friend Lynn. I lost Lynn a few years ago to Cancer. She was 40. Lynn, myself, and our 3rd Musketeer Beth who is still my best friend met when we moved into an apartment complex. We lived in the same building. We were all single moms. I miss Lynn a lot. I don't know why I started my blog with this. It just felt right. She was a wonderful person. She was alawys there for her friends.

Beth and I live on with our memories of Lynn. We visit her grave and celebrate her life on her birthday. I think she would be happy to know that.

I have a different life now but it started changing before Lynnie died. I am happy that she is no longer in pain. I just really miss her.

My life is not bad right now. I am in school. I have a great husband. I have great kids,and the most beautiful granddaughters. We have financial problems like many in the world do. At times it can be very overwhelming especially this time of year. I think about Lynn and all that she went through and it brings me back down to earth. I also have a strong faith in God. He helps me to get through the bad times. The last 3 years or so have been really tough. I am disabled due to some abusive relatioships I had been in when I was younger and things that came back to haunt me from my childhood.

I was once a Nurse. I worked hard and was a single parent with 2 children ages 3 and 6 months. I put myself through nursing school to give my kids and myself a better life. I feel like it was all taken away from me. I know it is my own fault I stayed in those relationships. I didn't know before i fell for them that they would be abusive. One was my highschool sweetheart. We started dating when I was 15 and got married when I was 18. I worked and he stayed at home. He didn't watch our son because he wouldn't change a diaper and i couldn't trust that he would take care of him. I took the abuse and the cheating for ten years. I called it quits. We had split a few times in that 10 years, but I always took him back. I then met my 2nd husband. He was 7 years younger then me. He seemed like a great guy. We married and things started changing after a year or so. Then when his mom died he became a real monster. Then i found out he was abusing my kids. I left. I won't let anyone hurt my kids. kind of funny that it was ok if he hurt me, like that was ok. we were living in Arkansas where he was from at the time. I sent the kids with their grandparents back to Indiana where we were from. I ended up hospitalized and got evicted while i was in the hospital. I lost everything I had. Everything the kids had. I went to a shelter for abused women and was there for about a month before my dad came to get me and bring me back home. I had been fighting for disability for a few years by this time due to always being in the hospital, and because I was diagnosed as a Bipolar manic depressive, with a panic disorder, and Post traumatice Stress. That my people is what abusive relationships can do to you. I have a few physical problems due to the abuse of husband #2 as well.

Now my life is in a new phaze. I have a good man. It is true that even if you are poor you can still be happy. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be able to pay the bills on time and not worry where we will get money to buy food or other things. I don't think we are considered poor by governmentt standards we missed that by 500 a year. I don't think they take in to considaration that I have 11 meds a month I pay for. They count my SSD as income but they don't take out for the 88 a month i pay for medicare. Plus all my co-pays to my many doctors.
I am very thankful for what we have. I have much to be thankful for, and believe me I thank God everynight. I know that no matter how bad our situation seems, that there are many people out there much worse off then us. I pray for them everynight too. I hope that someday I will be in a position to help some of those people.

Which brings me back to school. I am in my 5th week. I took out 2 loans 1 for each semester for this year. It pays for most of the tuition, but nothing else. That is how i ended up here on Zaadz. I was looking for a scholarship or grant to help cover other expenses. I haven't found that yet, but I did find Zaadz. I like it here. I like to meet people online. I like to hear about other peoples lives.

I think as people we can all help each other. We can listen when someone needs to let out feelings. We can give advice if it is something we have knowledge of. We can share experiences. We can boost each other up. That is what I want to do here.